I can rest soon, right?

Last year I plundered through my own war – against all advice I was giving my own students. Overworked and overwhelmed, I kept telling myself, 'not much longer. I can rest soon, surely.'

Amid wars, genocide, famine, violence, climate disasters, illness, and financial crises – I selfishly switched every roaring news broadcast off and plundered through my own self-war, against all advice I was giving my own students. I’m not proud of two things here:

1. That I muted the world at a crucial time.
2. I dimmed the brightness of my heart.

I teach writers to keep hold of their hearts so they can go the distance. So that they don’t end up burned out, depressed, failed, ‘what’s the point’ artists. So that they embrace the delicious deliberate slowness of developing their craft with heart.

I teach writers to keep writing, to keep creating powerful things, even when the world is burning. Because what good are you to the world if you have irrevocably dimmed your light? What if your voice, your resources, your sparkle, your words – are exactly what’s needed in the universe – and you’re simply too lost in orbit?

I’m not talking about full moons and mercury rising. I’m talking about something much more simple, tangible and common sense: your deep inner knowing.

And I lost mine.

I love a bit of celestial magic – but I don’t really care these days what the moon and stars are doing. My spirituality has become more basic over the years.

The real questions for me are: Can I listen to my heart above all other noise? Do I have the tools to keep my mental, emotional and spiritual containers strong when the shit hits the fan? And is my energetic cup overflowing so that I can give more to others?

Heart. Tools. Cups. Whoops.

I failed at all of these last year. I ignored my heart’s calling on several occasions. I pushed too hard when I knew better not to. I also ignored the world. But I felt the world’s pain hard anyway, and of course, that’s when the shit really did hit the fan.

Let’s fully rewind to what was actually happening in my world. My partner was away a lot for work. I became obsessed with uplevelling my IT systems for HeartWriting. I ran a lot of workshops – too many. Full of bold moves and late nights thundering away on the laptop, I forgot to schedule in a social life. I was learning simple coding, for Christ’s sake, for my website. Coding! I built an entire management system for all my courses, on my own. I was carrying on at record speed trying to get all the things done. I can’t tell you the number of nights I spent perfecting the world of HeartWriting, at the expense of my personal world, and the wider world.

So what happened? 

Truth is, I had almost no joy happening in my daily life. I felt the traumas of the collective, even though I was shielding myself hard from them. I wasn’t exercising enough. I developed a massive hormonal imbalance and a horrible back problem. Four uterine fibroids and an ovarian cyst erupted. Severe lack of social life because I’d become reclusive. I was not working nearly enough on my own writing, because I was afraid my business would fail. I was exhausted. I became the ‘depressed creative’ statistic that I warn my writers about. 

But I’m OK now. And at the risk of spouting more trite spiritual truisms, everything is meant to be. This path had to be walked by me, and alone. I’ve learned everything in life through owning all my mistakes and learning from them.

Perhaps I knew deep down that I would be OK – that I’d catch myself before it was too late. After all, I’ve created airtight containers of resilience for myself through my therapy, healings, trainings, conversations, relationships, choices. Perhaps, most of all, I knew that there was a long game in what I was trying to achieve, and with a bit of hard work, I’d be able to soften soon.

And so I have softened. 

Yep, I’ve officially entered my soft era. Not the cliché TikTok soft girl era – what I mean is, I just couldn’t get out of bed for a few weeks, and I never properly emerged, to be honest. I am now a proper floating spacey goddess. I get up late and listen to inspiring podcasts on long endless walks. I don’t care what you think of me. I no longer care about how much money I make or whether I’ll ‘make it’, whatever that means. I have stopped taking on projects that don’t feel like a lit-up-Christmas-tree YES. I have ceased most writing workshops, especially the in-person ones, because the effort of marketing them and being “on” all the time was taking away my creative resources.

I have just one 8 week HeartWriting workshop now that I show up for. One golden, incredible offering that is high value for the students who have found their way to me. These students feel like family after week three. We’re going even deeper than usual in our classes – because they’re ready and willing for knowledge, expansion and creative transformation. It feels like they were the magical, heartfelt, dedicated group of writers I was calling in while I was tapping away furiously on my laptop at midnight.

And so, that’s all I’m doing. I teach this magical workshop every two weeks. I write. I edit my writers’ work. I edit my past writers’ work. I mentor writers. I write more. I talk to publishers about exciting projects on their way. This is a life that feels good for me.

I have more space. More time. More me.

More compassion. More connection to self, and others. I can turn on the news again.

Some days, I do nothing. I’m treating myself as a sick girl who needs rest and deep healing. Because I was sick. I was so far out of balance I couldn’t even see it when I was standing dangerously askew. 

In two months I have developed an unshakeable trust in the universe – because I was forced to surrender. What a blessing to finally kneel down – to what I have always known was coming. I have picked away, one by one, the insidious fears of others. Because, in many ways, I think that was the last thing holding me back. I’ve clawed away society’s sticky fingers of "what ifs" from my wrists. I have scrutinised my goals to find my truth, my depth and my heart. 

It is time to free-fall. 

And the question is: If I fall, like, really fall – would it be so bad?

Or could it be the best thing to ever happen to me?

I’ll be honest: it takes an incredible amount of self-love to be able to free-fall into the abyss and just “see where one ends up”. But self-hate was just not cutting it for me anymore. I’m going to try this instead.

I keep hearing my loving inner voice: “Trust. Just be, just float, just enjoy this life you have designed for yourself, Rose, and all will be magic.”

Awakenings, affirmations, and love

What if your voice, your creativity, your sparkle, your words – are exactly what’s needed in the universe?

When people are living their dreams from awakened hearts, the world heals – because more of us have the energy and vision and capacity to build a brighter world.

When I was in the middle of ‘waking up’, I recorded a beautiful affirmations tape for creatives. It was a combination of statements I needed to hear, as well as affirmations my students requested. I’ve since shared it with them to help them free–fall into their ultimate HeartWriting dreams.

I’ve just shared a mini version of it on my podcast, so that you can free-fall into a life of self-love, too. Here it is: I hope you enjoy. I’d love to know where you’re at this year compared to last year – comment below!

With love,

Rose